anpan_princess (anpan_princess) wrote,

Host Club Crackfic

Title: Welcome to our Host Club
Rating: G (for GREAT)
Synopsis: purpose...and no reasonable meaning

A beautiful and elegant school alight with thousands of candle-lit chandeliers and reeking of wealth. Gleaming marble and hardwood floors and rare persian rugs fit in well amongst all the glittering gold that could be seen everywhere one turned.

This is Ouran Gakuen, a place where breeding comes first and money second and where the super-rich send their offspring for schooling. Within the walls of this extraordinary institution there is something even more lovely than the school itself. A glittering paradise for the idle rich female population of the school. A place where all worries can be abandoned and one can lose themselves in its overwhelming beauty. This place is called The Ouran Gakuen Host Club.



"Aaaaaah~ Can you hear it?"

-Suou Tamaki, year 11, Host Club idiot/papa king/President-

Another day in the Ouran Gakuen Host Club and another rant by its overdramatic, attention loving President/King. As usual, no one paid much attention to his stream of babble.

"Tono...are the voices speaking in your head again?"

-Hitachiin Hikaru/Kaoru, year 10, resident troublemakers-

"You two! Always making fun of me! How terrible! I was only speaking of the wonderful sound of springtime~The sweet sweet melody that accompanies the changing of season! Aaaaah~ if only simple minded and introverted peons such as yourself...."

"Ah there he goes again, our King does quite like to talk"

-Ootori Kyouya, year 11, Host club mama Vice President-


"Oh Kyouya-sempai, you're here"

Arriving slightly later than usual (which is odd and suspicious) and bearing a fractionally more sinister smirk than most days, Kyouya enters the club with little fanfare and then proceeds to dissappear into what is probably his office (but nobody is brave enough to enter as Kyouya is very scary when his privacy is breached).

"You three should get into your costumes for today's event while we wait for the rest to arrive. I am sure the custmers will enjoy them this time, I especially analyzed the data gathered from previous events to produce the most powerful response."

"'re looking a little scary..."

"Perhaps it's just the lighting"

And with this Kyouya makes his exit. The twins take their respective costume bags and exit to find a place to change. Tamaki is left alone.

"What is this terrible emptiness I feel? Ah! The chill of loneliness is freezing my heart! How I long for a warm embraUGH..."


"Ah! Tama-chan! What're you doing all by yourself in here?"

-Morinozuka "Mori" Takashi, year 12, doesn't say much.../ Haninozuka "Honey" Mitsukuni, year 12, a shota fantasy-

Arriving late as usual is Honey perched on Mori's shoulders and looking very happy. Tamaki, in the build up of his oncoming rant, lost himself and slammed into the ultra tall Mori who is, unfortunately for him, a human wall.

"Honey-sempai, Mori-sempai! You'll listen won't you!"

"Of course!"

"Aaaah~ That's great, wonderful, super lovely! The compassion of elders! It feels so good, like the warm breeze of..."

"Ah! Takashi! Look at our costumes for today! Aren't they interesting!"


"OI! Don't start talking about something else while someone is speaking!"

And the King has been rejected once again. Is there no one who is dumb kind enough to listen to his rant?

"Hello everyone, what will today's theme be?"

-Fujioka Haruhi, year 10, the only female in the Ouran Host club and the main character (Tamaki: I THOUGHT THAT WAS ME!)-

Will it be Haruhi who breaks Tamaki's string of rejections?

"HARUHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Listen, listen! Everyone's being so mean to your papa! No one wants to stay with me and hear my important views on the loveliness that is Springtime! Won't you be a good daughter and listen to what your papa has to say?"

"Don't want to"

*The sound of something sharp stabbing into Tamaki's heart can be heard ringing through the Host Club room*

"I'm going to get dressed, you should too"

Haruhi makes her exit and Tamaki is left, once again, alone.

"It's cold...SO COOOOLD!"

*thunder sounds and suddenly everything is dark*

"uwah~ Why is it suddenly dark? What's with this strange death aura? Am I being targeted?"


"ehehehe Kyouya...why do you look so constipated...I"

"Why aren't you ready yet? The guests are already arriving."

Kyouya's smile seems a little pinched. Looks like King-sama is in trouble.

"Er...that, I was going right away!"

"Please do,"

"ahahahah, well then I'll be off"

Tamaki rushes to escape Kyouya's death glare.

"Oh and Tamaki?"


"Please Hurry"

Somehow the threatening force behind Kyouya's smile has become more murderous. Tamaki hurries away fearing "mama's" wrath.

Kyouya is the only one left in the room, ready in his costume for the days events. Everything is prepared and he can take a moment to breathe before the countless female clients arrive.

"'s time"

It seems that rest time is all too short. Kyouya sighs and takes his place behind the seat upon which
Tamaki sits as the club's King. He feels the tenseness run out of his body and a smile slips onto all of the club members' faces as those gilded doors opened.


The Host Club is open.

-The End-

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